Submissive and Dominant Personalities: the bedroom vs the real world.

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We’ve all heard somebody be described as having a “dominant personality” – maybe indeed you’ve heard yourself described like this! In a day-to-day setting, if somebody is described as having a dominant personality it can often mean that they are overwhelming, they exude confidence and seem quite powerful. They may be cut-throat ambitious. Generally they either hold – or aspire to hold – some kind of position of authority, like a management title. They would be largely be believed to have fought their way to the top.

You don’t hear people being described as having a “submissive personality” quite so often though, do you? I certainly don’t. I think instead they might be described using words like ‘shy’, ‘pushover’ or ‘introverted’. They’re people pleasers in a different way to dominant personalities.

What about everyone in the middle? In reality nobody is slap bang in the middle of the spectrum – everybody is either a bit of a dominant personality or a bit of a submissive personality. This can depend on the other people surrounding you, where you rank on the scale in comparison, or perhaps vary depending on the current situation depending on your particular skillset and experience compared to everyone else involved.

Is being one rather than the other a bad thing? Definitely not – it is a variety that makes the world go round, after all!

Does your day-to-day power personality translate to your dating power personality, though?

You can be forgiven for associating the terms subs and doms with stuff that happens in the bedroom, specifically  BDSM dating. The thing is that because we’re human it can extend into all aspects of dating. It’s likely that there will always be one partner who is more dominant and one who is less so – this isn’t always the sign of an abusive relationship unless it is two (or more) people at pretty opposite ends of the spectrum (and obviously one of them, most likely the submissive one, is being affected detrimentally). Within reason it is perfectly acceptable to expect people to respect the power play in your relationship, however some people will make it their business to cry wolf at the slightest sign of imbalance in somebody else’s relationship.

Is somebody’s real life power personality the same as their dating power personality? Interestingly, not necessarily. The dating world can provide a safe space for people to explore their deeply seeded desires. In fact, there is some science out there on the internet which suggests that it is common for people to totally switch thanks to this safe space dynamic. Dominant personalities can find great pleasure in not being in charge for a change, in having somebody else make decisions for a change. Similarly, a seemingly very submissive IRL personality can find a great thrill in getting to take the reins for a change (either physically or metaphorically). There is no way to know how somebody real world personality compares to their dating world power personality unless you ask them – and the number one rule to safety and success in the dating world is open and honest communication!

Remember, in all walks of life, if you don’t ask you’ll never know. (or is it if you don’t know just ask? maybe it’s both!)

If exploring your submissive or dominant personality in the dating world is important for you – either as an individual or a already established couple – you can check out for help finding suitable partners.

2 thoughts on “Submissive and Dominant Personalities: the bedroom vs the real world.

  1. I am dominant in day to day life, but submissive in the bedroom. No one would really know unless I actually said something. I’ve slowly been opening up to people that I’m actually sexually submissive, but there’s still a lot of kinks that remain a secret that only my Dom and I share.


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