Something which always makes me roll my eyes a little bit is when I see bloggers posting things like “where I’ve been” where they basically say things like “sorry I didn’t write a post last week, I was busy”. Yet here I am.
Back in January I said that I was hoping to start publishing posts 3 times a week as well as a video every week. If you’ve been watching, you’ll actually have realised that this definitely hasn’t been happening – you’re lucky if you’ve been getting three posts a month. While a few teething problems and hiccups along the road are to be expected, it’s clear to see that this goes above and beyond that, and that’s what I’m addressing today here.
If you’ve been along for the ride for a while, you’ll know that last year was a bit of a crazy year for me. It was, under no uncertain terms, an absolute whirlwind. While it may seem like I was on a bit of a high for most of the year, what you may not realise (or maybe you have) is that towards the end of the year everything just started (not so slowly) falling apart. The truth is that I’ve never quite recovered and my mental health has taken a big hit as a result. I would say I’m sorry about it, but since it’s not really something I can control I don’t have anything to be sorry about.
There was a lot of changes in the latter part of last year – with my house, with my work and with my personal life. There was bereavement. There was guilt. There was stress. There was heartbreak and grief. The whole cascade of events left me feeling vulnerable, isolated and worthless, feelings that I still face to varying degrees on an almost daily basis. I am struggling across the board on a daily basis, and that’s why my content is suffering a bit as a result. I have days where I am fully ready to give up on everything – and I mean everything – in my life and I have to just keep reminding myself that it’s just a blip and it will pass. I have seriously considered cancelling my upcoming trips to Basel and Amsterdam, as well as other trips and events, because I feel so unsure about whether I want to go, or if I am even capable of going. There are times, more and more often, when I struggle to pull myself together enough to leave house.
As you can probably tell, some days are better than others and these tend to be the days when you get content. While I would love to be able to stick to the schedule I set myself and told you all about, it might be a while before that happens. I am trying to push myself to be more proactive in just getting on with things (which is why it looks like I have suddenly returned with gusto!) but it is actually quite exhausting.
I’m not here looking for sympathy – I don’t need that. I need a little (a lot of) patience and a bit of understanding that I will get there (eventually). Just please don’t push me xoxox