Losing Weight Didn’t Make Me Happy

My weight is not something I talk about often (ever). This is a choice I have made, as a blatantly overweight person, and a choice I made a long time ago. It’s not really a secret that I’m overweight – and probably always have been – as it is clear when you look at me. I wouldn’t really say I have an ongoing battle with my weight – as so many others do – as it is something I just kind of came to accept and like I said, I have been living with being a fat kid all of my life. When it comes to battles to fight every day, my weight has never really been my priority. This doesn’t mean I am happy with my body – we all know that society would never allow it – but it’s a kind of defeated neutral relationship.

Last January, however, I decided to face my defeatist attitude and give the whole losing weight/getting fitter things a go. For me it was all about wanting to feel better – I’ve been plagued with abdominal pain since April 2016 and despite exhaustive tests I’ve never been able to get a diagnosis. I hoped that maybe if I lost some weight I would start to feel better – after all anybody who is overweight will tell you that doctors and internet doctors alike are always keen to let you know that the cure to absolutely any ailment if you’re a fat person if losing weight. Apparently people who are at a healthy weight never have any problems, who knew! (obviously this is sarcasm)

So I set about trying to lose weight, and long story short I lost almost 2 stone (27lbs) in about 6 weeks. Some of you would tell me that that is an incredible achievement, and I’m sure it is if you want to use the numbers on the scale as a measure of success (which it’s impossible not to, I’ll admit).

Here’s what didn’t change though:

  • my dress size (my clothes didn’t even “fit better”).
  • my pain.
  • how I felt about myself in general.

So as far as I was concerned, nothing had changed. None of the things that mattered, had changed. I wasn’t expecting a miracle, but with such a significant change on the scales I don’t think I’m alone in saying that you would expect at least slight changes. I saw nothing.

What I did experience was being constantly miserable because I felt like I couldn’t enjoy food. I was hangry a significant portion of the time. The ‘diet’ came to an end when I had a midnight visit to Macdonalds with my best friend after a concert, and the next day we Pokemon Go’d our way to TGI Fridays and for the first time in weeks I felt like myself.

I planned to only spend the weekend eating normally, then the week…but in the end I just never got “back on track”. As far as I was concerned my happiness was more important.

I think what I’m trying to say is that if you’re content, or happy, in your own skin then don’t let people tell you otherwise. Unless there is a genuine problem which is 100% a side effect of your weight as diagnosed by a real doctor (not Dr Google) then you really don’t have to change anything if you don’t want to. Don’t succumb to diet culture for the sake of somebody lurking in your Instagram comments.

Unfortunately I never learned from my misery, however, as I’ve decided to try again – apparently I feel the need to be in control of something, and if everything else in life is spiralling out of control at least I can try and control food. Try. This time I’m trying to match my calorie counting with a boost in fitness (which is proving to be difficult with my job and my injuries), but I admit that I’m already feeling defeated.

What’s your weight loss story? Let me know in the comments below!

 

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