So WordPress, long time no see eh? I last posted almost a year ago, and admittedly it has been 2 years since you had the TLC you deserved, and so much has happened since then, and I’ve had to work through it all without you by my side which was just weird!
The start of this week saw me seriously asking myself if I should start writing again. I wanted to, deep inside, more than anything. I wanted to return to that little corner of cyber space that gave me a channel to vent my borderline insanity and outrageous lesbianistic thoughts (look at me making new words again already!). The thing with shutting blogging out of my life was that all of the thoughts and emotions still existed with no release, or the unfortunate release to my friends and family. If you think what I write sounds crazy then you should hear it coming out of my mouth. That is what my friends have been subjected to, and not just the old reliable ones who are only too familiar with the nonsense in my head but also the new friends that I made by actually doing the whole ‘moving to the city to go to university’ thing. My CV says I have a blog, but any prospective employer who investigated that would just see an abandoned page of lost hopes. To write again would free them from me as well as freeing myself from the confines of my mind, and that could never be a bad thing.
So why shouldn’t I write a blog again? So many counterpoints filled my head as soon as I let them. It’s been so long, could I really pick up where I left off? Would it actually be possible to resurrect Kirsty Through The Looking Glass, or if I was going to start again would I need to start over completely? I just felt as though I wasn’t dedicated enough to start a brand new blog, I am definitely too emotionally attached to KTTLG to just abandon it like an unwanted box of puppies at the side of the road and it is still effectively running as a part of my identity. If I was ever to do this, it would definitely be a resurrection and not a new start.
Self esteem definitely played a large part during this internal debate. I am probably the most boring person that I know, that you all know. I never felt as though I had anything to contribute through my writing before hand, and I struggled to see how I could contribute anything now. I never could understand why anybody read any of the garbage I wrote before, and was always so sure that it was out of pity (or because you were unfortunate enough to be the ever wonderful Jo and therefore it was your job to read and assess what I wrote). I am not a skilled writer, I can not write as fluently or beautifully as so many others. I was a terrible blogger then, and there was no feasible way that this could be any different now. What would I even write about?
I guess one of the most important things which I also had to consider was why did I even stop in the first place? The answer to which is I don’t know, it’s as simple as that. I don’t know if I ever really stopped intentionally, it just kind of happened. Life got in the way, and then I moved and everything just kind of exploded as I was forced to deal with things that I hadn’t had to deal with for a long time. So many times I opened WordPress only to find myself completely drained of the words that the keyboard so desperately yearned for. If it fizzled out so easily, how could I possibly bring back that spark that fuelled so many posts before?
What about the timing of it all? I’ve just finished the semester. I’m away to move and then have summer. I have gazillions of free time to do personal things like blogging just now, but how long that will last for I cannot be sure.
I spoke to some people and none of them told me what I was expecting to hear. I was expecting discouragement from the insane idea that I could start to write again, something which I almost wanted to hear. Instead I was met with encouragement, people telling me that I should go for it. People telling me that I must do it. Not just friends who have an obligation to say nice things, but also people that I barely know. So I guess it’s their fault that I’m here again.
Will this work out? I guess we’ll just have to wait and see…